Wounds

In the week since I left my call I've moving around, feeling relaxed and happy.  I've been seeing my family, listening to music, writing and putting some feelers out for a new call.   This morning my phone woke me up, it was brother Bill who was calling to make an arrangement about lunch later this week.

The reason I'm blogging about this is that Bill woke me in the middle of a dream that I probably would not have remembered had he not called.  I dreamt I was back at seminary and one of the people I went toe to toe with at the church was teaching one of my required classes.   I remember feeling trapped and hopeless.

How long do wounds stay?  I ask not just as someone who has been wounded, but as someone who has inflicted wounds on others.  "What's love when all is said and done but the giving and taking of wounds?" asks Frederick Buechner's "Godric". (Sorry if the quote is wrong, my copy is packed up somewhere!)

In the breakup of any relationship, most of the fault does not lie on one side or the other.   I've made mistakes, sometimes real doozies in every relationship I have ever had, every church I have ever served.

Thank God for forgiveness!   Shakespeare knew that forgiveness is where we must all end up 400 years ago:

The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth, as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice bless'd;
It blesseth him that gives, and him that takes
+++++++++++
Though justice be thy plea, consider this—
That in the course of justice, none of us
Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy;
Merchant of Venice, Act IV, Scene I

Forgiveness isn't easy.   It's hard.  But just because something is hard, doesn't mean it isn't worth doing.  Talk it out, write it out, pray it out.  I just don't know any other way.

Merciful God, May I rely upon the forgiveness you have given me in Christ Jesus to forgive the wounds that I have suffered.  May those I have wounded find wholeness, health and forgiveness in their own way and own time.   May we all strive to serve you better.   Relying on the saving grace of your son I pray.  Amen.

Blessings.

Wedding

On Saturday, I got to participate in a wedding.  Any pastor will tell you that performing weddings can be a mixed blessing. 

One the one hand, weddings often involve you with young people who are very self involved, not much interested in church after the preacher says, "I now pronounce you husband and wife," or while they will suffer through counseling or classes have much more interest in holding a great wedding than having a great marriage. 

I've married people who had their marriage fall apart shortly after the wedding.  One bride was actually carrying on a affair while she was making her vows.  I had a bride back in Ohio who didn't show up for the rehearsal but didn't call me to cancel.  The organist and I sat and stared at each other until I finally got the bride on the phone.  "I meant to call you," she explained. "My fiance spent the money for the wedding on boarding his horse."

I had a wedding in Hector that started 90 minutes late.   The bride and groom were ready to go, but the bride's grandfather was delayed.   You see, a cousin in New York City was supposed to get on a bus for Ithaca, about 35 minutes away from Hector.  The cousin instead got on a bus for Utica about a three hour drive away.  So a car, with grandpa in the car as a passenger, went to pick up this cousin. 

The mother of the bride made an announcement, the organist just kept playing, rather like the orchestra on the Titanic.  The best man and I kept the groom iced down, he was fairly livid.

These are the weddings that make pastor's dread weddings.   Today was the complete opposite.

The opposite is good weddings, couples who realize that a wedding point is a starting point for a marriage.   I have performed weddings and then had the privilege to baptize the children born of that marriage.  I love performing weddings for people on second marriages, someone once said, "remarriage after divorce is the triumph of hope over experience," but it is also the triumph of love over pain.   I love performing weddings for people I knew as children or teenagers.

I got to perform a wedding for my friends David and Carolyn who actually met at my 31st birthday party.   They married a year after I graduated from seminary and I traveled back to conduct the ceremony with my mentor Howard Rice and got to celebrate communion with Howard in Stewart Chapel as part of that service.  Carolyn and David had a fabulous homemade reception and I even caught the bouquet.  (I have several bouquets, BTW.  No bridesmaid has a chance against me!)

Today, I got to participate in the wedding of a friend and a colleague.   Leanne is pastor of two churches in Central Nebraska Presbytery.   She has been a good friend to me and I hope I to her.   She asked me to participate in the leadership of her wedding at one of the lowest points in my professional life.  I preached while most the ceremony was conducted by Paul, an actor friend of Michael, the groom.  Paul got ordained through the Internet so he could conduct weddings for friends.  Turns out, like me, he is a UNO drama department grad, he knows my brothers from Omaha Opera Chorus and is the cousin of a college buddy of mine.   He also does a very nice and very professional wedding.

Preachers know a lot of other preachers, so I was really touched when Leanne asked me.   I was the first friend to see her engagement ring after Michael gave it to her, so I was really honored to see that event to the end.   It was a good day, a reverent, worshipful service.   A low key, delicious wedding reception, featuring smoked meats by Mike's dad.  It was one of those days when I feel like, "Thank God I get to marry people!"

Which made me think about a decision made yesterday in Napa, California.  If you are Presbyterian, you probably have heard of Rev. Jane Spahr and how she was just on trial by the Presbytery for performing marriages for same-sex couples while that was legal in California. 

If you are not Presbyterian, you need to know that Janie is an out lesbian, Presbyterian minister.   When the definitive guidance, outlawing non celibate gay clergy was passed by General Assembly, anyone ordained before 1978 was allowed to stay ordained even if they were gay and non-celibate  Janie was ordained in 1974.   For over thirty years, Janie has been the voice of those who wanted to serve the church that told them their sexuality was unacceptable.  She has been the voice of those who  were told they couldn't be married because their love was wrong.   Janie has put herself forward as the face of those the church turns away.  She's retired now, but when these couples came to her to be married, she didn't say no.

So charges were brought.   Three of the four challenges were sustained, in other words, Janie was found guilty.  The Judicial Commission who conducted the trial apologized to Janie and the couples.  The sentence was rebuke by censure, the mildest that could be imposed and will not be imposed until after the appeal.   But Janie was found guilty.  Her crime was marrying people who are in love to each other.  I did that less than 24 hours ago, but because I married a man and a woman, not two women or two men, that was fine.

I could say I don't have a dog in this fight as a straight person.   People sometimes think I'm gay because I am middle aged, tall, large, single and went to seminary in the Bay Area.   But the fact is, and it has taken me many hours of prayer to come to this realization about myself, I like guys.  That was supposed to be sarcastic, can you tell?

I recently ended a relationship with a perfectly lovely man, we fell apart because of distance.   But because he is of a different race than me, there are many places in this country we could not have even contemplated getting married.   That law was wrong.  That law has been changed.

But you know, I do have a dog in this fight.  I have the friends and classmates I have seen leave the PCUSA because of the church that nurtured their faith, has told them they aren't good enough for ministry. 

I do have a dog in this fight:  I want to serve and grow my faith in Christ in a church that actually means that sign that you see out front, All Welcome. 

Seeing a couple in love, gather with family and friends is a privilege we pastors enjoy.   I want to enjoy it no matter who is making up the couple.

Blessings.

The Carping Calvinist

Yesterday, the Wifi at my brother's apartment was out, so I sought refuge in the local Panera.   While I ate lunch there, I didn't stay long.  It was too noisy to think. 

As I was parking the car, I noticed a Humvee or Hummer parked in the lot.  Now, this is a motor vehicle that is so wasteful it isn't made anymore.  It is a horrible, horrible vehicle.  It was designed for use for the military and while it may have been useful in war, it should never have been introduced into civilian life.

So when I saw it, I was already pissed off. 

Then, I noticed the license plate had the Hebrew word for God, "Elohim" except it was misspelled.  Also, the license plate frame advertised a ministry.

Since I have nothing but time now, I left a note on the windshield.

"Do you think Jesus would drive a Hummer?  "Elohim" should be spoken with reverence not slapped on your license plate.  Do you really think you are doing a good job of representing all of us Christians driving around like this."

I went in search of my sandwich, feeling righteous. 

But what if I am not right?  What if there is a valid reason for driving this behemoth?  I can't think of one, but is there?  Is that valid reason valid enough to cancel out the environmental damage?  Should my views about respect for the Hebrew language, especially language about God, be absolute?   Does everyone have to agree with the opinions of this Carping Calvinist?  Have I, as my father used to say, "stopped preaching and started meddling."  Should I have called this blog, "The Carping Calvinist"?  Why are Chrisitians in general and Presbyterians in particular so free with our judgements?

The Humvee was still there when I came out so I will never know what the reaction of the driver was.

I think not being connected to a particular church anymore has left me feeling very free with my opinions.   I would worry that someone might think that my opinions are the opinions of every member of my church.  I would worry that I might stick my nose in the wrong controversy and find myself on the outs with most of my congregation.

My parish associate commented that my preaching and writing seemed "freer and braver" after I had made the decision to leave the church.  Maybe if we all said these things we were thinking all the time the world would be a freer and braver place.  I know that this week I have been posting a lot more online about the Janie Spahr judicial case than I would of if I was still Head of Staff.  (More thoughts about that case and today's decision in tomorrow's blog!)

Maybe if all of us preachers would say and do what is on our minds this world would be a much freer and braver place.

Blessings

Awake in Omaha

Woke up this morning in a moment of blind panic, didn't know where I was for a second, and then saw something, a lamp my parents had, that made me realize I was in my brother Tom's apartment in Omaha.

It feels like it should be Saturday, like I am on holiday. Got to watch myself to make sure I don't just fritter away all these wonderful free feeling days.   So have been catching up on laundry (mine, later today, Tom's!) and starting to reorganize all the stuff I have brought and need to pack into the car, again!

Went out on the deck for prayer and it is just a gorgeous day.  In late August, somtimes a cold front will blow through.  After weeks and weeks of interminable hot, humid, sticky weather, the humidity will drop and we are left with beautiful summer days in the 70's and 80's.

Tom's apartment is near 90th and Dodge, literally the busiest part of Omaha.   But the courtyard of the building is pleasant and green and nicely treed.  I can hear the traffic, but it is muffled by birds and crickets and the rustle of cottonwood leaves.  There is not a cloud in the sky.  

Want to be very intentional about devotions and am using Sam Hamiton-Poore's "Earth Gospel" for daily devotions. Sam is Director, Program in Christian Spirituality and Assistant Professor of Christian Spirituality at San Francisco Theological Seminary.   I got to know him at last summer's "Before the Cradle and Beyond the Cross at SFTS.  The Wednesday reading for Week One is this poem by Emily Dickinson.

Will there really be a "Morning"?
Is there such a thing as "Day"?
Could I see it from the mountains
If I were as tall as they?

Has it feet like Water lilies?
Has it feathers like a Bird?
Is it brought from famous countries
Of which I have never heard?

Oh some Scholar! Oh some Sailor!
Oh some Wise Men from the skies!
Please to tell a little Pilgrim
Where the place called "Morning" lies!
++++++

Blessings!

Last Kearney Sermon

Everything is either in storage, or in the car or stored at Tom's apartment in Omaha.  I am appreciating lovely folk who have been so kind from families who have had me over dinner or out to lunch, to the lovely lady I saw in the hospital today as my last act as pastor, to my brothers.  Bill came over to carry all my stuff in, Tom is making me bratwurst and sweet corn for dinner.

Here is somthing excerpted and adapted from my last sermon at First Presbyterian Kearney.   I say adapted because I tweaked the ending!  Sometimes the Holy Spirit throws something else in after the sermon is preached!  This sermon will also appear as my last Pastor's Pen in this weekend's Kearney Hub.  My text was Luke 13:10-17, the story of how Jesus healed a woman bent double in a synagogue on the Sabbath.


Right now, our Christian Education committee is getting ready for the start of Sunday School. We usually start Sunday School with a Kickoff Sunday that includes grilling up burgers and hot dogs.

A few years ago, I learned that someone had a problem with how this event was announced in the Kearney Hub. The announcement had the usual information, what time Sunday School stated, what time worship was held and that a free burger and hot dog lunch would follow. The problem that this anonymous critic had was this part, it ended with these controversial words, “All welcome.”

This brought up the question, “So what do we do if everyone in Kearney shows up?”

Now, please understand, this was something that was passed on to me 2nd or third hand. The person with the complaint did not come directly to me, but rather to several other people. But when I heard it, I thought it was quite a happy problem to have: What if we opened the doors to this church and everyone in Kearney showed up?

Would we be ready for that? Is that even what we want? Would we see this “everyone in Kearney” as a blessing? Would we see them as Children of God longing to hear God’s word? Or would we think they were just a bunch of mooches looking for a free hot dog? Would we resent the trip we would have to make to Wal-mart for more burgers and buns?

What if we issued an invitation, join us in God’s name, and everybody showed up?

In Jesus day, everyone showed up at the synagogue, including this woman that is bent over. Mickey Anders says, “All of us are bent people in one way or another, at one time or another. And this passage marks good news.” She was bent with her illness; she could not stand up straight. She could not meet the gaze of another person. The great commentator Charles Spurgeon writes, “She lived in a posture of forced humility.”

This woman had been bent for so long, that no one saw her anymore. She was part of the landscape, she was scenery. She came to pray to God, just like everybody else, but her infirmity kept people from seeing her.

Jesus saw her. He was teaching in the synagogue and while he was teaching, he saw her. I like to think of him walking over to her and bending down himself into that position of humility to look into her face. I like to think he grinned when he said to her, “you are set free.”

That’s what Jesus was about: setting people free, unbinding them from physical limitations, from sin. Jesus unbent those who were bent.

But there was a scheduling problem with when he did that. That darn Jesus, upset the leader of the synagogue. Jesus had healed on the Sabbath. Something had to be said.

Notice that this angry synagogue leader doesn't approach Jesus with his complaint, but addresses the crowd. On one hand, that's a tactic still is common use today -- frequently referred to as "triangling." Those who might be upset with the pastor or the organist or the youth director, etc., tell all of their friends who they think represent "everybody in the congregation", rather than talking with the person with whom they have the complaint to seek constructive ways of dealing with the perceived problem. It is an old problem. It is a modern problem. It is as far away as the Galilee in Jesus’ time. It is as close as Kearney, Nebraska in our time.

But Jesus doesn’t allow this destructive pattern to continue. He confronts the leader and everyone there by reminding them that people are more important than structure, more important than rules that are followed just for the sake of rules. This woman, imprisoned for 18 longs years, is free. People feed their donkeys and oxen on the Sabbath, they give them water. Why shouldn’t this woman, this daughter of Abraham, this child of God be set free?

William Barclay in his Daily Study Bible speaks about the tragedy of systems becoming more important than people.

I believe that many of us are in love with the structures of our churches. It has amazed me as your pastor that any changes I want to make to the worship service are usually instituted with little or no comment, but any change in committee structure or government has been opposed with vehemence.

I believe that many of us are in love with our causes, we can only oppose someone by demonizing that person. During the Bush Administration, there were those on the left who posited crazy conspiracies about the 9/11 attacks, that the Bush Administration itself was behind 9/11, that explosive charges where used to bring down the World Trade Center. There is not a shred of legitimate evidence to support these ideas, yet people still believe them.



During the Obama administration, there are those on the right, who posit crazy theories that the President is some kind of secret Muslim; that he was not born in the United States. There is not a shred of legitimate evidence to support these ideas, yet people still believe them.

There are good valid reasons from the left to oppose policies of the Bush Administration. There are good valid reasons from the right to oppose policies of the Obama Administration. But instead of simply holding a debate about the issues, people feel a need to demonize the opposition. What has happened in this country? Why have we become people who can no longer debate things in a civil manner?

We need to realize that people who disagree with us, are people. They are not awful people just because they may hold a differing opinion from us. If we don’t start to see each other, just as Jesus sees us, as children of God, we have no hope.

Last week, I spoke of the death of Rev. Dr. Howard L. Rice. Dr. Rice was moderator of the General Assembly in 1979. This is the highest elective office of our denomination. Howard was elected moderator when he was in a wheelchair from multiple sclerosis. Many Presbyterian churches were not wheelchair accessible and suddenly had to be.

Howard was the preeminent authority of his time on Presbyterian government. He sought to deepen spiritual practice to the Reformed Tradition and his book, “Reformed Spirituality” is the premier resource.

But the greatest mark of his influence was his many years as Chaplain and Professor of Ministry at San Francisco Theological Seminary. He not only taught hundreds of pastors, but for his students, Howard was the one who supported us unconditionally. I am one of many of his students who can say, most of the good things I know about being a pastor, I learned from Howard Rice. As Chaplain, Howard was the one who sometimes took his place between hope and despair, between life and death for so many of us.

Here is a Howard Rice story. Being a prominent Presbyterian means that you serve on national committees of our denomination. Howard was once serving on such a committee. Also on the committee was a member of the board of conservative organization in our denomination. This organization publishes a national paper that is critical of many policies of the Presbyterian Church. The paper has a policy of lifting quotations out of context, using a hysterical tone and finding the least flattering photograph of the people with whom they disagree and publishing it. While greatly beloved in some quarters, in many others, this organization is seen as divisive and shrill. This board member, who I will call Joe, was about as popular as a case of the flu with the others on the committee. No one talked to him, no one sat with him at meals.

That bothered Howard. He started eating with Joe, talking to him, getting to know him as a person. He asked him about his family, his work, his home church. Howard saw Joe, really saw him, not as a problem but a person. Ultimately, Joe ending up leaving this divisive organization, not because he stopped holding a conservative viewpoint, but because he learned that reconciliation is better than confrontation. Joe learned that from the same person who taught it to me: Howard Rice.

Reaching out to someone, seeing them, eating with them, talking with them, listening to them is hard work. It is certainly harder than gossip, triangulation, and anger. But it works better. It is what we are called as Christians to do, to be agents of reconciliation.

Learn to listen to each other. Learn to know that those who may feel differently than you do about any issue, are not evil, but just genuinely have a difference of opinion.

Jesus calls each one of us who follow him to notice those who are part of the scenery, those who are bent double with physical infirmity or the burden of sin or addiction or oppression or poverty. We are called to be agents of reconciliation to look around and see each other as we really are: Children of God. All Welcome.

Amen.

Doctor, Goodwill, More Packing and some Winston

In which our heroine is still packing.
Saw my doctor today.  Blood pressure 122/75.  Pulse 82, blood drawn for cholesterol and vitamin D.  I continue to have problems with my back and she wrote me a new prescription for physical therapy when I get to Oregon.  In the mean time, I will have some gentle exercises, especially swimming, after I get to Omaha.  I made my next appointment for when I am back in Nebraska for Thanksgiving with the family.  OK, and the last Colorado game.

Friend of a friend was nice enough to take all my extra stuff from garage sale to Goodwill.  Actually pulled out some things that didn't sell. My yoga mat, a metal basket I like for silverware, another willow basket.  Also sent some things that should have made it to the sale, but got overlooked.

Spending this eve packing up paintings and prints.  Movers coming on Tuesday to take remaining things.

Am enjoying Wit and Wisdom of Winston Churchill on Kindle for Blackberry. (Free App!)  Good choice for an e-reader because it is written in such little bursts.

Churchill has always been one of my fave in history and when I was 13 or so I did a passable imitation for him.  I'm sure you can imagine how popular this made me with the other 13 year olds.  I was a very odd little girl.  And teenager.  So weird in college.  Seminary, I seemed to fit in pretty well.

I've got a lot of gems bookmarked from this, but here is one for today. "In my behalf you cannot deal with the most serious things in the world unless you also understand the most amusing."

Blessings.

The New Journey Into the Morning

In which our heroine begins to blog.

I've decided to blog during this time between calls. 

I am leaving my call at First Presbyterian Church in Kearney.  I don't have another call yet, but I do have six months severance.  I'm officially on staff until August 31, but I will be leaving on August 24 for some vacation.  The movers are arriving on the 24th to move the rest of my things to storage and then I am off to Omaha to participate in the wedding of a friend and to spend time with my family.

Through the generosity of some friends, I have the use of their beach house in Lincoln City, Oregon for a while.  So on or near Labor Day, I will be heading west, visiting friends in Nebraska, heading to Colorado for a soak in some hot springs and some fishing, then Lake Tahoe, Santa Rosa and San Francisco.   I'm invited to a SF Giants game on September 17 (Brewers, City College Night!)  Then on to Portland and Lincoln City.

This is not a blog about what went wrong, it is a blog about getting healthier.  I want to spend this time getting healthy, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I want to lose the sixty pounds I've gained in the last three years.   It's a blog about looking for a new call, a new direction, to see how what the Holy Spirit has in mind. 

I've had a lot to grieve in the last few years.  I left a ministry I had loved for 12 years for one was back in my home state, but that lasted just over three years.  It was a stressful end.    My mother died after I was back for a year and a half and while I am grateful I was here for her during her last months and for my brothers and their families after her death, I still lost my first and best confidant and friend.  I recently ended a relationship that could not endure long distance.  My favorite seminary professor and my personal mentor died just ten days ago.

But this is not a blog about grief, it is a blog about joy.  I know that I can and will be happier.  I know that God has plans for me to serve in ways that may and probably will surprise me. 

The title from for this blog is from my favorite book, Willa Cather's, "Death Comes For the Archbishop."

"Something soft and wild and free, something that whispered to the ear on the pillow, lightened the heart, softly, softly picked the lock, slid the bolts, and released the prisoned spirit of man into the wind, into the blue and gold, into the morning, into the morning!"

Blessings